Go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground

So Cairns is nice and humid .. My sister has an awesome place at the base of the mountains. Nearly every window you look out, you see a mountain. So beautiful :) And an awesome place to get away to and just... breathe ..

Mum called this morning. Early this morning. No one calls early if nothing's wrong.

Peter passed away last night. He was vomiting blood yesterday .. and then was feeling really short of breath. He let Mum call an ambulance to get him to hospital .. a few more hours of vomiting .. and then he haemorrhaged and .. yeah.
Gone.

My Uncle is making it all about him. HE wants to get on a plane and get home. HE knows how HIS sister is feeling, HE needs to be there for her.
Don't think about Erin who hasn't seen Peter since August. Don't think about Erin who hasn't seen Mum since August. Don't think about Erin who's stuck all the way over here.. who just wants to get home to give her Mum a hug, to be there for her.

I get that everyone processes their emotions differently, at different times etc.
I know that Mum wants Erin and I to be here for each other. I know she wants us to enjoy Christmas with the kids, so I fully intend on doing that for her. I can't help her over here ... and I know she knows I'm home next Tuesday. We'll take it from there.

I had a feeling. Some sort of crazy feeling on Monday night when I said goodbye to Peter before going to the airport. I knew.

blah :(

So I ended up at the hospital yesterday. Stupid shingles. The nurse took one look and she's like 'ow!' ..

I got a choice of treatments: admit myself as a patient and get intravenous drugs, or take bedrest at home for the rest of the week and keep taking the meds I'm already taking. I opted for the bedrest at home (seriously.. who's going to WILLINGLY admit themselves as a patient to a hospital for intravenous meds they're already orally taking?)

I think the fever is starting to break - it's only taken about 8 days so far. The rash is starting to go down - not as red and blistered, but still oh so very sensitive (who woulda thought wearing clothes could be so painful? :))

I'm FORCING myself to sit here and do nothing .. so so SO hard! I keep thinking about all the things I COULD be doing, and I'm not letting myself do it...

I kinda feel like I'm getting my head around things, and getting back in control. Things got a little bit manic there for a while, and I felt like I was all out of control and everything was turning upside down, but as usual, life rights itself and things are starting to make sense again. You just gotta ride with it sometimes I think ...

Christmas next week. I wanted to buy a few christmas pressies, given Mum and Peter can't travel with us to Cairns now. I have NO money though ... and pay day next week will be too late... :( Oh well. It's just not meant to be this Christmas, I don't think.

Anyways.

Seriously. I am so ready to ... do something.

I have never felt pain like this. I'm wondering when the antivirals are supposed to kick in.. and if they do, will I feel better?
Thankfully, I think my temperature is dropping.
I'm off to the shops to buy big on calomine and tea tree oil.

I wouldn't wish shingles on my worst enemy.

In other news, can someone remind me why I moved in here?

I'm going crazy here.

I've been having these weird pains in my lower back near my kidneys since wednesday arvo. Didn't think much of it - it's not the first time.. but when the pains started shifting round and through my hip, that seemed a little odd. Still didn't think much of it - some things just fix themselves (maybe I laid crooked in bed or twisted the wrong way when cleaning or something). But when a rash started appearing on Thursday? I started feeling concerned.
Took myself to the doctors yesterday :(

I have shingles.

Oh my god. The rash is spreading so fast now! My GP took a sample (to do so, he had to pop the blisters :( ) .. and prescribed me some antivirals.
Took myself off to the pharmacy to fill the script. Yeah, nobody's sure I should actually be taking these. The antivirals in combo with the antiretrovirals I currently take have been known to cause death. However, if I DON'T take the antiviral medication, the ensuing nerve damage from the shingles could be with me for years, not just days or weeks.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Given how my back has felt this week, I'm sure the damage has already been done, but I'm still in the 72 hour window period, so the very nice pharmacist and I made an executive decision to fill the script. He told me that if I noticed any of the symptoms on the product sheet, to take myself to the hospital straight away - better to be safe than sorry.
Why couldn't I get shingles on my legs or something? Why did it have to be my torso and hips? It makes wearing clothes very uncomfortable :(

And now, the awesome christmas dinner party I had planned for tonight has been cancelled due to severely immunosuppressed pople who were going to be here, and a planning-to-be-pregnant chick.. :(

Seriously. I'm trying so fucking hard to see all the positives out of this. Like, REALLY trying hard but don't seem to be succeeding.
I thought my house-mate might be getting home late last night. Nope. He was home when I got home from work. He didn't seem very accommodating. I holed myself up in my room all night, just to stay out of his way. I have decided this morning. Fuck him. I'm over the whole thing. I'm just gonna do my own thing now.. from now on, this is just a house I share with a person.
Yep. It's gonna be a great summer...

I was a healthy child. Apart from the yearly cold at the beginning of spring (that would lay me out for a day if I was lucky) and the 12 months of consistent tonsilitis when I was 12, I was a healthy child.

I think the hardest thing about this? 10 years on, my body isn't what it was before my diagnosis. Lil things happen, minute things that wouldn't normally bother someone. I can't help paying more attention to a feeling, and resolving to get myself to a doctor if it should persist or get worse.

I'm not used to feeling like I'm not 'strong'.
I'm sure the stabbing pain in and around my kidney, through my hip and top of my thigh is nothing and I'll wake up tomorrow and feel better...

In an effort to hopefully get some decent sleep, I have worked hard over the past 24 hours to exert as much physical energy as possible with the aim of tiring myself significantly to allow sleep to overpower my neurotic thoughts.

Over the past 24 hours, I have:

* done 3 loads of washing at Mum's house
* done a week's worth of ironing at Mum's house
* cooked up some meals for Mum to reheat over next week while Peter's still in hospital
* vacuumed Mum's house
* cooked dinner for Mum and me last night
* put up and decorated the xmas tree at Mum's
* spent an hour on the phone to my sister
* woke early and watered Mum's garden
* made breakfast
* went to hospital to see Peter
* got back to Mum's and attempted to bake Rum balls
* Cooked lunch for Mum, my Uncle and me
* Cleaned my bedroom so it resembles a bedroom (I still have unpacking to do)
* Cleaned the laundry, my bathroom
* Weeded the front garden
* Cleaned the front and back windows (inside and out) (I still need to do the ones down the sides of the house)
* Vacuumed and washed the floors
* Baked some 'christmas balls'

And I'm currently waiting for my dinner to finish cooking (mmm, chicken :D)

I know I'm not ok. I feel off-centre, restless. Like I can't pinpoint precisely what emotion I'm feeling. Part of me is really struggling being here by myself (timing sucks!) - if I was at my South Perth house, that'd be ok .. it was lil.. and my shiz was everywhere. This place is HUGE and most of my shiz is confined to 2 bedrooms at the back of the house. I haven't even cried yet. I wonder why I won't let myself feel ...

I need to talk, but I'm not sure what it is I feel the need to say .... :(

seriously.
Not the day I'd planned to have today.

Peter got admitted to hospital yesterday. With all the liver problems he's having, they wanted to admit him and run the tests instead of registering him as an outpatient and having to wait weeks for results.

They were going to do an MRI on his liver because there's too much fluid for them to do a biopsy. After a myriad of specialists consulted amongst themselves, and based on the info they already know from previous tests last week and the blood tests they've run this morning and last night, they're not going to do either.
He has advanced liver disease. There's a substantial tumour, but they're not going to bother treating that, because even if they did, the liver is too damaged for it to make any difference.
They're going to run more tests to find out what's causing/d the liver disease and basically try to make him comfortable - they've given him 12 months to live.

I got a call from Mum's work friends asking to come and sit with her. Her boss ended up sending her home so I took the afternoon off to spend with her.
Just got back from seeing Peter at the hospital. He looks shocking :( So hard to believe that 4 weeks ago, he was 'healthy' and we didn't think anything was wrong. He's lost nearly 10kgs, he's so jaundiced, his whole body is yellow... and he's so worried about Mum. She stepped out of the room to make him a cuppa and he just looked at me and he's like 'look out for your Mum for me?' and just started crying..

I haven't cried yet. I can do that later when I know Mum doesn't need someone to be strong for her right now.

The biggest thought going through my head this afternoon? God I hope the oncologist has nothing serious to tell me on Friday. I promised myself I'd wait until Friday to mention anything to Mum .. and that if it wasn't particularly bright news for me, that I'd tell Mum then (after people telling me I should tell her, that she had a right to know). I don't know if I could tell her if something was wrong on top of what's wrong with Peter...

I'm staying at Mum's tonight - thank goodness tomorrow is a flexi-day off for me .. there's some errands and stuff she needs to do and I know she doesn't want to be alone right now.

My sister is freaking out right now. I feel really badly for her, all the way over there, not really being able to reach out etc. At least I've got Mum and my Uncle, at least I can go and see Peter - make sure he's ok. She has to rely on phone calls right now.

Mum's doing the family calls to the UK right now.
*sigh*
what a fucked up day.
Imagine having a doctor tell you you've got 12 months to live :(

can't believe it's Sunday night already! What happened to the weekend??

Oh.
That's right.
I moved.

*sigh*

wow, it's Sunday. *groan*

What a whirlwind week!

I caught up with Mark and Bel on Thursday night - god it was so good to see them! Mark is officially my new best friend for fixing wireless at my soon-to-be new residence, which in turn got soon-to-be housemate off my back (stoopid wireless). Must catch up to cipher through the other memory card full of pics from the states!

I went to a wedding on Friday. nyaww!
Severe wardrobe malfunction tho! My god - change rooms REALLY do no justice to an outfit do they? I had a manic friday before the wedding, so I got ready in record time! I was doing my hair though, turned slightly in the oh so well lit bathroom (and I'm not being sarcastic - seriously, there's a HUGE window so you get lots of natural light) and BAM! See through dress! EEK! I had 5 minutes before I was getting picked up, I couldn't change in to anything else because I wasn't at my own house, I couldn't go out and buy anything else! Luckily, a friend gave me a slip to throw on under and it did enough to salvage my dignity. The stiff drink before leaving their house definitely helped!
The manic day continued when the taxi didn't show up and we had to hoon it to the ceremony .. we found where the ceremony was being held JUST before the bride was about to walk down the aisle! Like seriously! She was standing with her bridesmaids ready to walk before we butted in :(
Awesomely short ceremony, which really suited the style of the happy couple...

Food at the Reception was AWESOME, speeches were AWESOME :D Drinks? Fucking TERRIBLE! Ohmygosh! Consequently I didn't get merry, but it didn't stop me from tearing it up on the dancefloor and dipping my toe in wedding shenanigans ;)

Woke up way too early yesterday morning and with a HEADACHE! I didn't even DRINK! :( Very disappointing :( Another mad rush day yesterday ... Nickelback last night - fuck yeah! Seriously, any band that gets 'rocket launchers' and fires beer in to the crowd is kinda cool ;) .. interesting thing about last night for me? The mix of people there! Holy shit! There were some very ... special people there ;) And my spaz dancing was NOTHING compared to the chick next to us..
My throat hurts this morning .. it's worth it tho :D

So.. moving next week. I'm so not ready! Gotta pull my finger out, get my head right and just fuckin get on with it. What will be, will be, right? (I can see words happening ...)

I would really love to be sitting in a coffee shop, gossiping with a dear friend right now. Instead, I'm getting royally pissed off with my intermittant internet and am going to start panicking about my assignment shortly ...

*sigh* 2 more weeks to go!

I had my angry pants on today. So much bullshit going on today - it would have felt somewhat rewarding to slap a few people about but alas. I was a good girl, and only had a few acidic comments fly out of my mouth ..

Today:
I loved the cool breeze and the warm sun
I disliked people who didn't admit THEIR mistake, and tried to blame me for their fuckup
I loved coffee
I disliked waking up feeling like I haven't slept
I loved mind-numbing jobs which meant getting shit done without engaging in warm fuzzy happy-times with colleagues
I disliked my stomach
I loved someone making me laugh
I disliked the unbelievable physical weariness taking over my body
I loved coming home
I disliked cleaning
I loved home made fried rice for dinner
I disliked phone call from Mother
I loved cup of tea
I dislike uber slow innanet

I wonder if I could get away with doing some research at work tomorrow ;)

Can't believe I move next weekend. I'm REALLY going to miss this place. I love what this place represents for me. A little part of me doesn't want to move forward, doesn't want to leave... A little part of me wants to coccoon herself in the memories and space of my house.

*sigh* This isn't getting my assignment written :( So.. fucking... tired :( Could so go a cuddle right now...

I'm getting a stye. It's not like I've never had them before... but this one? on the bottom eyelash of my left eye... ON THE INSIDE! Normally I get them at the outside corner of my eye... INSIDE? OW!!
SO FUCKING ITCHY!
Stupid stye.

Submitted Assignment 1 tonight! Woop! 1 down, 2 to go. The next one's not due for another 2.5 weeks... but I'm going to submit early, just so I know it's done. Then I can focus on Assignment 3 and the other exam and then I'm home and hosed...

Change.
What an interesting concept. Isn't it funny that life is constantly in a state of change, yet we only seem to focus our attention on the 'big stuff'. We change jobs, we change cars, we change houses, partners, countries..
If we instigate this change, it's all 'woop!' .. but if change seems to sneak up on us, tap us on the shoulder, and then knock us round a bit, why does all hell break loose? It's not like it was never going to happen. Nothing ever stays the same, and seriously. Would you want it to?
I know there's people out there who actually embrace change - tackle it head on or whatever .. but it seems to only relate to things they feel they can control. Remove the control from the situation.. and honestly? Could you tell me you'd be willing to embrace that change so much? What if it was a parent dying? A partner leaving? A health issue that means you lose a limb or a faculty?
Would you embrace it with mucho gusto then?

I picked my new pendant up today :) I'm chuffed :)

So I had my day all planned out today... but it just wasn't meant to be .. ;) Everything turned to poo and I had to juggle everything which means now, I'm finishing up the study, instead of having a relaxing night. Never mind. I can celebrate once the assignments are finished :)

I had very bizarre dreams this morning. For some reason, even though they were very bizarre, and left me feeling a little confused when I woke up, I actually feel quite centred and balanced today. Like after the shit that's flown this week, things are exactly as they should be and it all makes sense again.... woop!

Man.
I'm hanging by a very VERY thin thread... which way will I fall?

What a week. What a fucked up fuckity fucked week. Even the events of today, although they created a smile, haven't lifted my spirits to even out the shitness that was the rest of the week. And that's ok. I feel more slightly disappointed at today's events than anything.

But enough of that. My thin thread.

The wine after work was just choice :) It seemed to start the weekend for me in a way that the weekend hasn't started for a few weeks ;) .. but I got on the bus, and I was good. I take two steps in to my door.. and I'm suddenly exhausted.
And I realise that I really miss company right now. Tonight's the night it would have been nice to come home to SOMEONE y'know? Just engage in conversation, crack the bottle of alcohol and just while away the evening in banter and companionship.

Instead, I find myself irrevocably torn between working on the two assignments I have due.. and just falling in to bed. This week has sapped me of all energy to do ANYTHING other than get my sorry butt out of bed, get to work, do my job and then come home. I can only hope that next week holds more promise and positivity than this week did.

Not long to go now and that urge for companionship will be filled.

Ahh bel, I hope you're living it up in the states - I miss you terribly!

note to self: if reinstalling windows on laptop, save favourites folder BEFORE wiping everything ;) bye bye links for research articles for assignments!

I have NO idea what's going on at the mo', but I'm shattered. Totally and utterly shattered.

I had something insightful I wanted to say but I can't remember what it was ...
couldn't have been THAT insightful then huh? ..

Seriously.
What the FUCK is going on? Is the fact that I don't care right now karma's opportunity to throw a whole pile of shit in my direction?
*shakes head* It's just not fuckin cricket I tells ya!

Right now, I'm not sure how much more I can take before I crack...
The beauty of the meh mood (which is STILL loitering!!)? ... I don't care enough to feel overly worried.

Keep throwing shit in my direction karma. You'd be surprised at how much I can handle.

I have pondered and reached a conclusion.

I wonder how many friends I might potentially lose. I'll do what I need to do for me - if that bothers you, you clearly don't know me..

"Someone else's opinion of me is none of my business". Time to put that into practice Brookie.

Time to TRULY stand up, dust myself off, and step forward :)

I can hardly breathe at the thought of you
just your presence gets me so confused
it must be that you have done more than you think to me
yeah i have to act like i'm okay, i'm not okay
it goes much deeper than your day-to-day crush from back in the school days
it goes much deeper than most songs i hear with this sentiment
more than that coz you're in my system
there's nothing i can do there's nothing i can say

you're in my system, baby, you're in my system
you got me going crazy inside my system
you're in my system, baby, you're in my system,

i can hardly talk sometimes when we sit face to face
there are times when i don't need to say a word, coz i know you know
there are times when you just over analyze me
but you know i don't really care, coz i really care

you're in my system, baby, you're in my system
you got me going crazy inside my system
you're in my system, baby, you're in my system,
you've got my soul and body. you're in my system

Is there a full moon any time soon? I find myself in a devious dark mood today... which is weird, because I've just holed myself up in my room most of the day. There is something overwhelmingly comfortable about just veging here on my bed, researching, compiling assignments, listening to music, sipping coffee or red bull..

I feel like indulging in life's pleasures ... ;) Read into that what you will.

This made me CRACK up this morning:
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/help_im_tied_up_in_knots/

I think more psychologists should be like her. Her responses to the two most recent Ask Bossy's are hilarious. And some of the comments made me lol.

So while researching one of my assignments pertaining to patient management, I came to a really obvious realisation. Illness can be seen as a largely subjective experience. Person A could have exactly the same virus/bacterial infection/illness as Person B but they could both suffer completely different symptoms, feel differently about their illness, have different coping mechanisms. One of the things that attracts me to CAM is its deeply personalising qualities. A patient walks into a clinic, an assessment of symptoms/ailments/illness is taken and a personalised treatment plan is created based on your individual needs. You walk into a GP, talk about some really common symptoms, he tells you you just have a virus or something, either hands over a script or tells you to drink plenty of fluids and rest and sends you on your merry way. It's interesting.
Of course, I know that's not always the case... there's probably a lot of dodgy CAM practitioners out there.. but still! If you can find yourself a good one, I think you're on a winner! :)

i feel like i'm on a bit of a downward spiral .. but in a good way? *ponders*

I'm not entirely sure where to start with this, so I think I might just pour shit out and you can decipher as you will.

Ok, so.. *I* can smell someone's BO .. and if *I* can smell someone's BO, surely THEY can smell themselves? How does BO work? Cuz there's been occasion where I've sweated enough to go 'eww' .. but it's never been offensive I-smell-like-I-haven't-showered-in-a-week; it's been during some intense exercise or something, and I've gone home, showered 'n' doused myself in deoderant or other fragrancy delights.

I had the discomfort of sitting next to a girl (YES! A GIRL!) who had a SERIOUS BO problem yesterday. She smelled so bad, I felt nauseous. SERIOUSLY! Her offensive odour was turning my stomach - how could she not smell that!?!? Thank goodness my bus stop is one of the first once you're out of the city, otherwise I would seriously have had to move seats ... oh it was feral.

AND THEN! TODAY! MORE BO! Has no one heard of deoderant!? Or a shower??
Am I being rude and offensive by making such claims?

Feral. Seriously feral. I would be embarrassed and devastated if someone came up to me and said 'uhmm, excuse me, but you fuckin reek'. And I'd SERIOUSLY hope that my nearest and dearest would tell me if I became that offensive to be around...

**

I spent today at the Duxton Hotel, soaking up Symantec specialties. Technology briefing.. mmhmm - is that what you called it? ;)
Seriously, I should know better - some of the sessions started out sounding REALLY good - and then? "Your best option to secure your information with ever-increasing de-perimeterisation is Symantec's Security Management Platform!" The thing that disappoints me about events like today? It's just sell sell sell - and I get why they do it. These companies invest money in splurging and spoiling customers/consumers/potential buyers like me, but ... can't you be just a lil more objective with what you perceive security threats to be?
I attended some sessions and I wasn't entirely sure what it was I was supposed to get out of it, aside from the 'awesomeness' that is Symantec products.
One presenter got up, started going through his slides, got increasingly sidetracked and ended up doing a bit of a Q&A, then realised he was running out of time for his presentation, turned around and said "ok, I'm gonna rush through these slides because in all seriousness? They're boring".
....
He created a 'boring' presentation? ;)
I must say though, the mini lemon meringue pies were SENSATIONAL :D

**

I have had THE worst headache today. I think my sinuses have decided to 'itis' themselves again. This weather is doing my head in .. humid, not humid, REALLY humid, rainy, cold... what the hell is going on!? ;)

FRIDAY tomorrow - booyah! :D

Seeing Sarah McLeod on GNW makes me reminisce of Superjesus days. I used to like some of their songs. I'm sure if I listened to those songs again, I'd still like them (mostly because at one stage, they meant a lot). Isn't it interesting the sentimental attachments we form to certain situations/times/places?

Anyways.
I watched Jamie Oliver's American Road Trip or whatever the fuck it's called. I'm now inspired. I'm never quite sure what to make of shows like that - a little part of me finds Jamie Oliver a little self-important, but I like the rawness he found in NY on his episode tonight.
Underground Supper Clubs. What a fucking awesome idea. Or not even underground supper clubs, but just supper clubs in general.
The idea of cooking up a feast, having a bunch of people sitting around a table sipping good wine, eating good food, laughing and engaging in easy conversation ... man, isn't that what life is all about!? :)

I have now decided to do more 'dinner parties' or 'supper clubs' or whatever I choose to call it... how much fun would that be?! :D

**

Very interesting emotional day today.
I'm still feeling meh and fuck-the-world'ish but I also now feel an extreme sense of gratitude and love specifically for two very dear people. I think half the battle has always been in me asking for help. Or perhaps, not so much in asking, but accepting that sometimes people have just what you need, if you'll allow them to give it to you. I feel immensely grateful .. and oh so fortunate to have people in my life who actually give a fuck. Here's hoping I can return the favour one day :)